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If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or if you are concerned that someone else may be suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
When I got home, there was a strange message from my mother. I knew instantly that something was very wrong. When I called her, I immediately asked, "What happened?" She said she couldn't bear to tell me-it was too awful. I insisted, and then she said it-the words I will never forget: "Irene's dead." I threw the phone down and screamed in terror. When I picked the phone back up, my mother confirmed what I had already suspected-Irene had taken her own life. I was devastated. I couldn't believe this had happened. Why me? Why her? I was brought into the world with an older sister, and I didn't know how to make sense of it without her. I was heartbroken and needed support. But my friends and family seemed uncomfortable broaching the topic. I felt alienated and alone.

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Surviving the Loss of a Loved One by Suicide

Suicide takes the lives of about 30,000 Americans each year. Each of these deaths reverberates through families, workplaces, schools and universities, religious organizations, and the other social networks in our lives. Those left behind after the suicide of a family member, friend, or colleague are referred to as "survivors." Surviving a suicide can be a struggle-a struggle to understand "why?" But you are not alone in this struggle. Others have been through it and have created resources to help.

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Taking Care of Yourself1

Other suicide survivors have suggested the following ways of taking care of yourself:
  • Try to focus on what you need to do to heal, rather than what you might have done differently before the suicide.
  • Understand that intense feelings of grief, anger, rejection, guilt, and regret are normal, as are confusion and forgetfulness.
  • Keep in mind that the death of someone whose life may have been disruptive and difficult to family and friends may produce a feeling of relief-often closely followed by guilt.
  • Explain the situation to other people in the manner most comfortable to you. Many survivors find it best to simply acknowledge that the death was a suicide.
  • Put off major decisions for the immediate future.
  • Remember that people grieve in different ways. There is no one "right" way to mourn the death of a loved one.
  • Recognize that you will heal in time.
It can also be helpful to find someone to talk with, especially if you have persistent thoughts of killing yourself, a history of depression, or recurring nightmares or thoughts about an especially traumatic aspect of the experience (such as discovering the body of the deceased). Survivors whose loved one died while under the care of a mental health professional may find it difficult to accept that counseling can help. But it often can, especially if you can locate a mental health professional who is knowledgeable about bereavement after suicide. You might choose to talk to a friend, relative, spiritual leader, or mental health professional. Survivor support groups can also be helpful. These groups offer an opportunity to share your feelings and experiences with others who have lost someone to suicide. Information on locating survivor support groups in your area is included under Resources, below.

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1 Materials in this section were adapted from Beyond Surviving: Suggestions for Survivors by Iris Bolton, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Surviving After Suicide. (See References, below.)

Helping Children Cope with Tragedy2

Understanding and coming to terms with suicide can be extremely difficult for children. Even older children often lack a firm concept of death as a irreversible process. Both children and adolescents can personalize the behavior of others, which can create feelings of responsibility for actions over which they have no influence, let alone control. Children may feel grief, anger, confusion, and, often, abandonment. Some children strive to become "perfect," believing that it was their bad behavior that caused the deceased to "leave." Others may act out and behave badly as a way to express their anger or confusion. When dealing with children who have lost a loved one to suicide, keep the following suggestions in mind:
  • Be honest about what happened. Use words like "dead" rather than "gone away" so there will not be any misunderstanding.
  • Offer simple and honest explanations. If children ask you a question you cannot answer, admit that you don't know.
  • Avoid saying anything that might imply that the death was their fault or that there was something they could have done to prevent it.
  • Let them know that it is OK to be upset.
  • Allow them to memorialize the departed by letting them participate in funerals and memorial services.
  • Return to a normal routine as soon as possible. Encourage children to continue seeing their friends and engaging in social and recreational activities.
  • Make sure that someone whom the children trust is always present.
  • Get professional help for children if you think it is necessary, particularly if they display extreme behavior that lasts for an extended period of time.
  • Let their school know about the suicide.


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2 Materials in this section were adapted from Helping Children Grieve a Suicide Loss, compiled by Linda Flatt, and "Helping Suicide Survivors" by Norman Farberow. (See References, below.)

Helping One Another: Survivor Support

You are not alone. Suicide survivors have come together to form organizations to help themselves and others and to educate the public on suicide prevention. Many of these groups hold weekly support groups and can provide information about local resources. Information on how to locate survivor support groups in your area is included under Resources, below.

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References

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (n.d.). Surviving after suicide. Washington, DC: Author. Retrieved April 13, 2005, from http://www.afsp.org/survivor/home.htm

Bolton, I. (n.d.). Beyond surviving: Suggestions for survivors. Washington, DC: American Association of Suicidology. Retrieved April 13, 2005, from http://www.suicidology.org/associations/1045/files/
BeyondSurviving.pdf

Clark, S., & Goldney, R. (2000). The impact of suicide on relatives and friends. In K. Hawton and K. Van Heeringen (Eds.), International handbook of suicide and attempted suicide (pp. 467-486). Chichester, UK: John Wiley and Sons.

Farberow, N. (2001). Helping suicide survivors. In D. Lester (Ed.), Suicide prevention: Resources for the millennium (pp. 189-212). Philadelphia: Brunner-Routledge.

Flatt, L. (n.d.). Helping children grieve a suicide loss. Retrieved April 13, 2005, from http://www.survivingsuicide.com/children.htm

Jobes, D., Luoma, J., Hustead, L., & Mann, R. (2000). In the wake of suicide: Survivorship and postvention. In R.W. Maris, A. Berman, and M.M. Silverman (Eds.), Comprehensive textbook of suicidology (pp. 536-561). New York: Guilford Press.

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Resources

Resources for Survivors

Organizations

Suicide Survivor Support Group Directories. Both the American Association of Suicidology (AAS) and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) offer online directories of suicide survivor support groups. The AAS directory is located at http://www.suicidology.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=55. The AFSP directory can be found on its website (http://www.afsp.org/) on the navigation bar under "Survivors."

American Association of Suicidology (http://www.suicidology.org/). The American Association of Suicidology (AAS) is a nonprofit organization dedicated to the understanding and prevention of suicide. The focus of the Survivors Division is to understand the issues of survivors of suicide and incorporate them into suicide prevention efforts. Resources on the AAS website include SOS: A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide (see Online Publications, below), articles from the Surviving Suicide newsletter, fact sheets, and personal stories.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) (http://www.afsp.org/) offers valuable information for survivors, including how to help children cope and how to find a suicide survivor support group. AFSP sponsors National Survivors of Suicide Day, the Survivor E-Network, and survivor support group facilitator training program. AFSP also publishes an extensive bibliography, a support group directory, information about suicide and mental illness, and handbooks on surviving suicide loss.

Suicide Prevention Action Network USA (http://www.spanusa.org). Suicide Prevention Action Network USA (SPAN USA) is the nation's only suicide prevention organization dedicated to leveraging grassroots support among suicide survivors (those who have lost a loved one to suicide) and others to advance public policies that help prevent suicide.

Suicide Prevention Resource Center (http://www.sprc.org/). The Suicide Prevention Resource Center (SPRC) provides prevention support, training, and materials to strengthen suicide prevention efforts. The section of its website titled Survivors offers resources for survivor support, including information on how to locate support groups. Survivor Resources is a comprehensive listing (with links) of survivor support groups, bereavement groups, resources on coping with grief, web-based support groups (including those for parents of children who died by suicide and for friends and family of people who died by suicide), training and conference opportunities, books, and additional resources.

Surviving Suicide: A Web Site for Healing After the Loss of a Loved One by Suicide (http://www.survivingsuicide.com/#site) is a comprehensive website created by a suicide survivor, who now facilitates support groups. Resources available on this site include reading lists and information on coping with the loss of a loved one, reducing stress, and surviving the holidays. Valuable material for helping children cope with suicide can be found on this site at http://www.survivingsuicide.com/children.htm.

Online Publications

Jackson, J. (2003). SOS: A handbook for survivors of suicide. Washington, DC: American Association of Suicidology. Retrieved April 13, 2005, from http://www.suicidology.org/associations/1045/files/
SOS_handbook.pdf This booklet about surviving the suicide of a loved one was written by a suicide survivor and is highly recommended by other survivors. It contains much useful information on taking care of yourself after the suicide of a loved one, how other people may respond to your situation, and helping children survive the suicide of a loved one.

McLoughlin, E., & Fennel, J. (n.d.). Channeling grief into policy change: Survivor advocacy for injury prevention [Special issue]. Injury Prevention Newsletter, 13. Retrieved April 13, 2005, from http://www.tf.org/tf/images/IPNweb.pdf Volume 13 of the Trauma Foundation's Injury Prevention Newsletter explores how survivors of suicides and other fatal injuries can work with injury prevention professionals to advocate for policies and programs to prevent suicide and other injuries. It also includes case studies and contact information for injury prevention advocacy organizations.

National Endowment for Financial Education. (2004). Surviving a suicide loss: A financial guide. New York: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Retrieved April 13, 2005, from http://www.afsp.org/survivor/financial/index.html This booklet was created by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Survivor Council and the National Endowment for Financial Education to help suicide survivors negotiate the short- and long-term financial consequences of the suicide of a family member.

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General Resources on Suicide and Suicide Prevention

National Center for Injury Prevention and Control (http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/). The National Center for Injury Prevention and Control (NCIPC), located at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, is a valuable source of information and statistics about suicide, suicide risk, and suicide prevention. To locate information on suicide and suicide prevention, scroll down the left-hand navigation bar on the NCIPC website and click on "Suicide" under the "Violence" heading.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/). The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides immediate assistance to individuals in suicidal crisis by connecting them to the nearest available suicide prevention and mental health service provider through a toll-free telephone number: (800) 273-TALK (8255). Technical assistance, training, and other resources are available to the crisis centers and mental health service providers that participate in the network of services linked to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

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This effort has been funded in part with Federal funds from the National Institute of Mental Health, National Institutes of Health, under Contract No. N44MH22044.

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